For me it's Portal.
Monday, May 23, 2011
We've both said a lot of things you're going to regret: Motherhood, the monomyth and Portal 2
Sometimes you find a piece of pop culture that hits you right in the mythology. Twilight is like that - despite its mediocrity, something about it just resonates with one's inner 14-year-old girl, and if you happen to also be an outer 14-year-old girl, it's the story of your life. For my dude it's FLCL, which I found to be well animated but kind of a mess, but which speaks to him on some young-boy-coming-of-age everything-represents-a-penis emotional level I can't comprehend.
For me it's Portal.
For me it's Portal.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Now panic and freak out
What to Expect When You're Expecting is, it turns out, just as alarmist and passive-aggressive as I'd heard. I'm not even pregnant (yet) and it's making me freak the fuck out. It is, however, improved considerably when you imagine it being read aloud by GlaDOS.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's just something that feels snide about the cutesy parenthetical comments, like this bit in Chapter 1: "You'll only need two protein servings, three calcium servings and no more than six whole-grain servings daily until you conceive - plus you won't have to start adding those extra calories (and if you need to lose some weight preconception, you might need to cut some calories out.)"
Also that jumpsuit is very unflattering on you. I'm only saying that because I care.
Alarmism from Chapter 4: "There's no evidence that a couple of drinks on a couple of occasions very early in pregnancy...can harm a developing fetus. So you - and all the other moms who didn't get the message right away - can relax. That said...no amount of alcohol is safe for pregnant women."
Everything's going to be fine except for that horrible mistake you just made.
Also Chapter 4, on cat safety: "Don't send your feline friends packing. Since you've lived with them for a while, the chances are pretty good that you've already contracted the cat-related disease toxoplasmosis."
Please proceed to quarantine. Don't worry! The decontamination process is less excruciatingly painful than it used to be.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's just something that feels snide about the cutesy parenthetical comments, like this bit in Chapter 1: "You'll only need two protein servings, three calcium servings and no more than six whole-grain servings daily until you conceive - plus you won't have to start adding those extra calories (and if you need to lose some weight preconception, you might need to cut some calories out.)"
Also that jumpsuit is very unflattering on you. I'm only saying that because I care.
Alarmism from Chapter 4: "There's no evidence that a couple of drinks on a couple of occasions very early in pregnancy...can harm a developing fetus. So you - and all the other moms who didn't get the message right away - can relax. That said...no amount of alcohol is safe for pregnant women."
Everything's going to be fine except for that horrible mistake you just made.
Also Chapter 4, on cat safety: "Don't send your feline friends packing. Since you've lived with them for a while, the chances are pretty good that you've already contracted the cat-related disease toxoplasmosis."
Please proceed to quarantine. Don't worry! The decontamination process is less excruciatingly painful than it used to be.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What day is it?
"May the Fourth."
"Well, May the Fourth be with you."
That's from an episode of Count Duckula I saw on Nickelodeon shortly after we got cable in approximately 1989. I immediately sporfled my Tang out my nose and called my best friend, and we have been wishing each other a nerdy May 4 for more than 20 years now.
So, yeah. I was celebrating Star Wars Day before Star Wars Day was cool. I would put a Hipster Ariel here for emphasis except that's so old meme. I'm into this other meme right now. I'd describe it but you probably wouldn't get it.
"Well, May the Fourth be with you."
That's from an episode of Count Duckula I saw on Nickelodeon shortly after we got cable in approximately 1989. I immediately sporfled my Tang out my nose and called my best friend, and we have been wishing each other a nerdy May 4 for more than 20 years now.
So, yeah. I was celebrating Star Wars Day before Star Wars Day was cool. I would put a Hipster Ariel here for emphasis except that's so old meme. I'm into this other meme right now. I'd describe it but you probably wouldn't get it.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Five Types of Dudes to Back Away From Slowly
You know what I love? Reading bullet-pointed lists of traits I should or should not possess if I am ever to Get a Man. No, really, I love them. I used to love them because I was a teenage girl mired in self-loathing and desperate for advice on how to get boys to like me (advice to younger self: the answer is "go to college"). Now I love them because, like any self-respecting citizen of the Internet, I revel in reading things that induce delicious, delicious rage.
Some of that rage is at myself, because I used to read lists such as this, admonishing that guys didn't like brainy mouthy know-it-alls, and dumbed myself down considerably in the presence of dudes in whom I was interested (or in whom I thought I should be interested, which, I learned later, are two completely different things.) Unfortunately for me, it worked. Because the dudes you get when you downplay your intelligence and humor and general awesomeness are not the kind of dudes you want to get.
So, I present to you examples of some of these guys, encountered in the field: Five Types of Dudes to Back Away From Slowly.
1) The Power Tripper
He's charismatic, he's gentlemanly, and he's at least two inches taller than you (in heels) (you are wearing the heels, not him). He's also generous - he never lets you pay, he takes you to great restaurants where he pulls your chair out and informs the waiter what the lady will have, and if you stick around a future of small velvet boxes with something tasteful in them is almost assured. But alas, you're not imagining that dirty look he gives you every time you're out with his friends and you crack a joke, or express expertise, or even just try to join in the conversation. Did he throw a fit when you announced you were going back for your MBA? Does he make "make me a sandwich" jokes at inappropriate times in front of inappropriate people? (For me, any time is an inappropriate time for a sandwich joke, but you may be more tolerant.) You, my friend, have got a Power Tripper.
The Power Tripper will treat you right, so long as "right" means "like it's 1959." Alas, too many girls are raised (I was) to mistake this for the right kind of right, then get confused when this ideal manly man is actually a petulant insecure asshole. And he's more sinister than your standard one-upping competitive jerk, because his identity as A Man depends on you as A Woman being lesser than and dependent upon him, and if he senses you're not, the foundations of his whole world are a-tremble and he must put you in your place. This is why you need to watch out for unwanted physicality - picking you up and carrying you around when you've specifically told him not to, tickle fights that go well past you telling him to stop. Very bad signs. Very bad signs in any guy at any time, actually.
You can tell a Power Tripper apart from a standard-issue chivalrous generous guy by offering to pay. If he says "No, I really want to take you out tonight, you get the next one," you're good. If he gets indignant and red in the face and demands to know what kind of namby-pamby you take him for, you have your answer. Stick with him and keep your mouth shut and your bikini line waxed and you could be on the fast track to Trophy Wife Gated Community, if you're into that sort of thing, but keep in mind what happened to Betty Draper. You want to spend the best years of your life lonely and frustrated in your housedress shooting pigeons in the backyard?
Some of that rage is at myself, because I used to read lists such as this, admonishing that guys didn't like brainy mouthy know-it-alls, and dumbed myself down considerably in the presence of dudes in whom I was interested (or in whom I thought I should be interested, which, I learned later, are two completely different things.) Unfortunately for me, it worked. Because the dudes you get when you downplay your intelligence and humor and general awesomeness are not the kind of dudes you want to get.
So, I present to you examples of some of these guys, encountered in the field: Five Types of Dudes to Back Away From Slowly.
1) The Power Tripper
He's charismatic, he's gentlemanly, and he's at least two inches taller than you (in heels) (you are wearing the heels, not him). He's also generous - he never lets you pay, he takes you to great restaurants where he pulls your chair out and informs the waiter what the lady will have, and if you stick around a future of small velvet boxes with something tasteful in them is almost assured. But alas, you're not imagining that dirty look he gives you every time you're out with his friends and you crack a joke, or express expertise, or even just try to join in the conversation. Did he throw a fit when you announced you were going back for your MBA? Does he make "make me a sandwich" jokes at inappropriate times in front of inappropriate people? (For me, any time is an inappropriate time for a sandwich joke, but you may be more tolerant.) You, my friend, have got a Power Tripper.
The Power Tripper will treat you right, so long as "right" means "like it's 1959." Alas, too many girls are raised (I was) to mistake this for the right kind of right, then get confused when this ideal manly man is actually a petulant insecure asshole. And he's more sinister than your standard one-upping competitive jerk, because his identity as A Man depends on you as A Woman being lesser than and dependent upon him, and if he senses you're not, the foundations of his whole world are a-tremble and he must put you in your place. This is why you need to watch out for unwanted physicality - picking you up and carrying you around when you've specifically told him not to, tickle fights that go well past you telling him to stop. Very bad signs. Very bad signs in any guy at any time, actually.
You can tell a Power Tripper apart from a standard-issue chivalrous generous guy by offering to pay. If he says "No, I really want to take you out tonight, you get the next one," you're good. If he gets indignant and red in the face and demands to know what kind of namby-pamby you take him for, you have your answer. Stick with him and keep your mouth shut and your bikini line waxed and you could be on the fast track to Trophy Wife Gated Community, if you're into that sort of thing, but keep in mind what happened to Betty Draper. You want to spend the best years of your life lonely and frustrated in your housedress shooting pigeons in the backyard?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
How are you holding up?
Because I'm a potato.
Portal 2 is the most awesome game with the most awesome quotes. I'm not just saying that. It's in its file.
Portal 2 is the most awesome game with the most awesome quotes. I'm not just saying that. It's in its file.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I am a Vulcan. I am a Vulcan!
Internet dude (it's always a dude): Here are some statements. I am making them using dry intellectual language and declarative sentences, so I am logical. Therefore, this offensive conclusion I just made is the correct one.
Internet veteran: Oh, not these logic assholes again.
Person with a dog in this fight: Fuck you. That's not true and you know it!
ID: Of course it's true. I made statements in a logical manner, which means they are facts, whereas you used profanity and an exclamation point, which means you are overemotional and therefore incorrect.
IV: (sighs) Facts? Really? Links, please.
PWDIF: Damn right I'm emotional. Here is a personal account of how some douchecanoe who held that same opinion you're spouting fucked up my life and/or the lives of people I care about.
ID: Anecdote =/= data. I will not deign to respond to you. And I don't need links. My statements are pretentiously worded so they are facts. Did you not get that?
IV: Links or it didn't happen.
ID: Fine. Here is a link to a pretentiously worded opinion article and/or blog post by a pretentious dude I agree with. Also here is a half-assed study from a dubious source that's only tangentially related to my point.
IV: Well, then, it's good that I have this blog post that summarizes the issue and provides multiple links to multiple well-designed legitimate published studies that refute your point.
ID:. That blog post is biased and all the studies listed on it are biased and unscientific. All the journalst that published those studies are biased and unscientific. Everyone who disagrees with me is biased and unscientific. I am not biased. I am perfectly logical. Perfectly logical. Perfectly logical.
PWDIF: Yeah, that's what Spock used to repeat to himself to keep from totally flipping out.
ID: You're not a straight white male nerd! Only straight white male nerds can talk about Star Trek! Everyone who's not a straight white male nerd is irrational and everything they say is wrong because they speak colloquially and use exclamation points and sometimes call on people to have empathy, which is an emotion, so I do not have it and no one else should either! Ayn Rand! Meritocracy! Survival of the fittest!
IV: I am picking up some punctuational drama happening here.
ID: I! Do! Not! Use! Exclamation! Points! And here is a long angry rant to prove it! Except it's not angry, it's calm and logical, you're just too stupid to see that! And now I have talked the most, so I win!
IV: Suuuure. (Backs away slowly)
----
If "logic" means "using rules of thinking to proceed from a premise to a conclusion", these dudes are logical, sure - their premise is flawed, their rules are flawed, and their conclusions are therefore wrong. Logic only works if your input is valid and your system is valid. Otherwise, garbage in, garbage out.
But to come to a valid conclusion you need the ability to detect, using context, what you can and can't take as a given - the ability to smell smoke, change your methods when necessary, detect problems in the early stages before they blow up in your face, know when to throw everything out and start over. You can't rule out sources of context like emotion and personal experience that are an intrinsic and essential part of how human beings make judgments.
The highest faculty of the human mind isn't logic. It's reason. Logic is just a component of reason. If you act like it's the end-all and be-all, you're being the program, not the programmer. Even Spock figured that out in the end.
Internet veteran: Oh, not these logic assholes again.
Person with a dog in this fight: Fuck you. That's not true and you know it!
ID: Of course it's true. I made statements in a logical manner, which means they are facts, whereas you used profanity and an exclamation point, which means you are overemotional and therefore incorrect.
IV: (sighs) Facts? Really? Links, please.
PWDIF: Damn right I'm emotional. Here is a personal account of how some douchecanoe who held that same opinion you're spouting fucked up my life and/or the lives of people I care about.
ID: Anecdote =/= data. I will not deign to respond to you. And I don't need links. My statements are pretentiously worded so they are facts. Did you not get that?
IV: Links or it didn't happen.
ID: Fine. Here is a link to a pretentiously worded opinion article and/or blog post by a pretentious dude I agree with. Also here is a half-assed study from a dubious source that's only tangentially related to my point.
IV: Well, then, it's good that I have this blog post that summarizes the issue and provides multiple links to multiple well-designed legitimate published studies that refute your point.
ID:. That blog post is biased and all the studies listed on it are biased and unscientific. All the journalst that published those studies are biased and unscientific. Everyone who disagrees with me is biased and unscientific. I am not biased. I am perfectly logical. Perfectly logical. Perfectly logical.
PWDIF: Yeah, that's what Spock used to repeat to himself to keep from totally flipping out.
ID: You're not a straight white male nerd! Only straight white male nerds can talk about Star Trek! Everyone who's not a straight white male nerd is irrational and everything they say is wrong because they speak colloquially and use exclamation points and sometimes call on people to have empathy, which is an emotion, so I do not have it and no one else should either! Ayn Rand! Meritocracy! Survival of the fittest!
IV: I am picking up some punctuational drama happening here.
ID: I! Do! Not! Use! Exclamation! Points! And here is a long angry rant to prove it! Except it's not angry, it's calm and logical, you're just too stupid to see that! And now I have talked the most, so I win!
IV: Suuuure. (Backs away slowly)
----
If "logic" means "using rules of thinking to proceed from a premise to a conclusion", these dudes are logical, sure - their premise is flawed, their rules are flawed, and their conclusions are therefore wrong. Logic only works if your input is valid and your system is valid. Otherwise, garbage in, garbage out.
But to come to a valid conclusion you need the ability to detect, using context, what you can and can't take as a given - the ability to smell smoke, change your methods when necessary, detect problems in the early stages before they blow up in your face, know when to throw everything out and start over. You can't rule out sources of context like emotion and personal experience that are an intrinsic and essential part of how human beings make judgments.
The highest faculty of the human mind isn't logic. It's reason. Logic is just a component of reason. If you act like it's the end-all and be-all, you're being the program, not the programmer. Even Spock figured that out in the end.
Friday, March 25, 2011
The examined life, or youngish woman talking about herself
So pushing two years after that last post, and guess what jeans I am wearing today? That are way more comfortable than I thought they were and look great with boots?
Don't laugh. At least they're pants.
Why start blogging now, after starting this thing with the best of intentions and then not touching it for nearly two years? Truth is, I did start. I just deleted everything I wrote. I'd let it sit there for a day or two, smug in my knowledge that no one would actually read it but they could if they wanted to, and one night I'd wake up in a cold sweat with visions of trolls and anti-trolls dancing in my head and take the post down. (You know the anti-trolls. They're the ones who start their comments with "HOW DARE YOU." The ones who are so painfully earnest, so enragedly dedicated in their defense of a perfectly valid point, that they don't realize they've become what they hate. I, of course, have never done this, and anyone who disagrees is a heartless monster who deserves what they get.)
Meanwhile, everyone around me is oversharing - my husband's video game blog, my best friend's Facebook obsession, my twentysomething coworkers tweeting what they had for lunch, as if they won't be able to digest it until everyone is aware that they ate it. I cringe from this stuff. I'm an introvert, almost painfully so, and I live in fear of a reputation economy like in Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom, because if how much people like you determines your worth, I will be living penniless in an unfurnished cell and even the elevators won't stop for me. And it's not that I'm not likable. I'm pretty cool when I'm not on my guard - I'm just on my guard all the time. Because I believe, deep down, that no one wants to hear what I have to say.
Well, fuck that. I have needs, too. I want in on the overshare. Perhaps it'll help me barrel past this social anxiety. (See? Already oversharing! Whee! I've been wearing these pants for two days and I'm gonna wear them tomorrow too! All I have on my iPod is synthpop and the Indigo Girls! This is fun!)
So you're gonna read my blog and you're gonna like it. Because it's the Internet and even the shittiest piece of puerile crap has people who think it's great. Case in point: Fanfiction.net.
Don't laugh. At least they're pants.
Why start blogging now, after starting this thing with the best of intentions and then not touching it for nearly two years? Truth is, I did start. I just deleted everything I wrote. I'd let it sit there for a day or two, smug in my knowledge that no one would actually read it but they could if they wanted to, and one night I'd wake up in a cold sweat with visions of trolls and anti-trolls dancing in my head and take the post down. (You know the anti-trolls. They're the ones who start their comments with "HOW DARE YOU." The ones who are so painfully earnest, so enragedly dedicated in their defense of a perfectly valid point, that they don't realize they've become what they hate. I, of course, have never done this, and anyone who disagrees is a heartless monster who deserves what they get.)
Meanwhile, everyone around me is oversharing - my husband's video game blog, my best friend's Facebook obsession, my twentysomething coworkers tweeting what they had for lunch, as if they won't be able to digest it until everyone is aware that they ate it. I cringe from this stuff. I'm an introvert, almost painfully so, and I live in fear of a reputation economy like in Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom, because if how much people like you determines your worth, I will be living penniless in an unfurnished cell and even the elevators won't stop for me. And it's not that I'm not likable. I'm pretty cool when I'm not on my guard - I'm just on my guard all the time. Because I believe, deep down, that no one wants to hear what I have to say.
Well, fuck that. I have needs, too. I want in on the overshare. Perhaps it'll help me barrel past this social anxiety. (See? Already oversharing! Whee! I've been wearing these pants for two days and I'm gonna wear them tomorrow too! All I have on my iPod is synthpop and the Indigo Girls! This is fun!)
So you're gonna read my blog and you're gonna like it. Because it's the Internet and even the shittiest piece of puerile crap has people who think it's great. Case in point: Fanfiction.net.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)