Now panic and freak out

What to Expect When You're Expecting is, it turns out, just as alarmist and passive-aggressive as I'd heard. I'm not even pregnant (yet) and it's making me freak the fuck out. It is, however, improved considerably when you imagine it being read aloud by GlaDOS.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's just something that feels snide about the cutesy parenthetical comments, like this bit in Chapter 1: "You'll only need two protein servings, three calcium servings and no more than six whole-grain servings daily until you conceive - plus you won't have to start adding those extra calories (and if you need to lose some weight preconception, you might need to cut some calories out.)"

Also that jumpsuit is very unflattering on you. I'm only saying that because I care.

Alarmism from Chapter 4: "There's no evidence that a couple of drinks on a couple of occasions very early in pregnancy...can harm a developing fetus. So you - and all the other moms who didn't get the message right away - can relax. That said...no amount of alcohol is safe for pregnant women."

Everything's going to be fine except for that horrible mistake you just made.

Also Chapter 4, on cat safety: "Don't send your feline friends packing. Since you've lived with them for a while, the chances are pretty good that you've already contracted the cat-related disease toxoplasmosis."

Please proceed to quarantine. Don't worry! The decontamination process is less excruciatingly painful than it used to be.