Will this thing EVER STOP CRYING
dude I have changed your diaper and wiped your poopy butt and fed you and bathed you and rocked you and bounced you and put you in the hippie baby carrier and the stroller and walked you around the house and driven you around in the car and OH DEAR GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME
Why did no one warn me about newborns? "Oh, he's just a challenging baby," people say cheerfully. "My kid cried nonstop for three months. This phase passes." Shut up, you smug assholes with children who can walk and grasp things and focus their eyes. Just. Shut. Up.
In fact - EVERYONE should shut up. Especially certain bassinet-dwelling miniature demons I could name.